I’m sorry you don’t appreciate Bastard’s humor. Humor is a weapon.

In the midst of a Worldwide COVID Pause – my world has been turned upside down. New Year’s Day I asked the universe if I could just find SOMEONE who knew & loved my birthfather, (I thought i’d find a name of a dead guy from 64 years ago – was told he died before I was born..) To know some good, and true and strong things about him was my ASK; perhaps an elderly sibling or friend might know? I had found my birthmother 8 years ago – on the week of my birthday, Good Friday at sunset….the Searcher said….I found a record: her death certificate. Finding bits of information to grasp at a sense of someone long gone. This time I wanted to knock down all the cobwebs and cardboard cutouts with me – find a shreds and close the Birth Search file forever.

Instead…..I found him, Alive; his two daughters and son – my siblings! He is frail and unable to communicate, they are open and warm at this stage. There are SO MANY strong similarities – it is Astounding, Astonishing!! While the rest of the World has been Waiting…I have been Finding Treasure <3 But there is a Cost – my own partner and grown children have rejected me and called me crazy for even Wanting to connect with them. One of the Greatest moments in my Life….has been made into a "shameful longing"; from a grown woman, a leader and model for others. But somehow, this Arena of shameful birth circumstances – it still splashes against the other paradigms we have gathered to ourselves. Even in my 60's…I am taking this journey All ALONE.
I know 3 other families who are reeling from a "grown adoptee" seeking out her birthfather. Birth Mothers ALWAYS Know there is a Child OUT THERE; birthfathers mostly DON'T! So NOW – when everyone's focus has been on Stay Safe at HOME….my HOME and family are falling apart because I SOUGHT out my OWN ROOTS. Next month it is 40 years I have cared for everyone else and served, sacrificed and given my ALL every single day….yet my spouse has turned my grown children against me as thought I have "slipped off the ledge" of instability. Are Adoptees not allowed to FEEL….to KNOW!!!??? We have to Adapt and Stuff at Every Single Step of our Life – when can we just BE?

Even now, I wonder if I had looked just 10 or 20 years earlier (he's 92 now) perhaps I could have caught him when we could talk and get to know one another father to daughter (or human to human at least). I'd had fantasies since I was in college, that I could use my winsome ways and pretend to be a reporter and simply gather information from my birthparents (before they knew there was a bio connection to spook their warmth and friendliness ).

I will never KNOW my birth parents – one is beyond the grave and the other is in his final stages. But my littlest sister says I have his hands (I always knew I had man's hands 😉 and that I talk like him. Dozens of tiny bits of "exactly the same" that delight and also break my heart. I am a swimmer and water girl, since I was a bitty thing. My adopted mother was terrified of water, I never wanted to get out of the pool, the lake, the waves along the shore. BOTH of my birth parents were serious water people, even my birth grandmother swam across the lake & back at sunset at their little lake cabin (something I spontaneously desired to set as a goal 4 years ago after my A mom passed away at 91).

Break the Silence Paradigm – Yes! Break our Dignity – please don't <3
Enough has been taken away from us already…..

Nonetheless, thank you for the intensive work you do and thank you for reading my email.
Peace.