FIRST CONTACT: YOU HAVE OPTIONS
by Denise Castellucci
When you are searching for a birth-relative, eventually you will be faced with the prospect of contacting the person you have been searching for. You have a phone number and/or address, and you are pretty sure this is the person. Now you need to gather up the courage to make first contact, perhaps the scariest thing you will ever do.
When faced with this question, I turned to an adoptee mailing list for advice. I received a large number of E-mail offering conflicting advice. I soon realized that it was a matter of personal choice. There are no wrong answers, and there is no manual in how to proceed so as to insure you will be successful.
I chose the phone, since I am the most comfortable with speaking on the phone. I am drawn to the instant gratification it offers, and I figured that if that would be my first and last contact, I would, at least, be able to hear their voice.
PHONE CONTACT:
If you choose phone contact, here are things you should keep in mind:
Have a support system set up to be there for you regardless of what happens with the call. They can be victims of your elation, a shoulder to cry on, or a sounding board when you don’t know what to make of the call.
Plan to seat yourself in a place that is comfortable for you and will not have any interruptions or distractions. If you have call waiting on your phone, turn it off before you call. Clear your schedule so you don’t have anywhere to go.
Write down a brief checklist of points you want to get across, and important questions. What do you want out of the call? Don’t make it a script, you will sound like a telemarketer. Don’t expect you will finish the checklist, but it is there in case there is a lull in the conversation.
Have your documentation gathered from your search handy.
Make sure you have a notebook, so you if the call goes well you can write down peoples phone #’s and addresses.
When they answer, verify who you are taking with and make sure they take down your name and number, in case you get cut off they can call you back. If they have to call you back, let the person on the phone know they should call collect (1-800-collect?).
Ask if it is a good time to talk about a personal matter, if no ask when it would be a good time or have them call you when it is a better time.
Ask if your birthdate and birthplace means anything to them, or ask them if a name of a relative or other birthparent name means anything to them. Don’t worry if they don’t react to this information right away, since it is quite possible they will not remember dates. This is a way to approach it in a delicate manner. You may just have to take the direct approach.
If they hang up or say they do not want any contact. You have given them your phone number and a chance to change their minds. This will be pretty tough, but you have, at least, given them a chance by reaching out. If they do not hang up, listen carefully and play it by ear. Make sure they have your contact information, leave things open-ended. Contactees need special consideration because they have not had the time to prepare as you did. It may take sometime before you set a date to meet, or you could be asked to come down the next day.
Anything can happen.
Rejection is not a rejection of you, but a rejection of the idea of revisiting the past. They do not know you, so they cannot reject YOU.
Unless they get cut off mid-sentence, do not call back. This is tough, and there may be those who would disagree. If they have your name and number, the ball is in their court.
VIA LETTER:
I have read so many stories of people, who chose to contact by letter and then had this agonizing wait for a reply. As a neurotic, coffee drinking member of the MTV generation, this would drive me insane. Also, I am the type that would write a novel, overbearing the most patient person, and it would take me forever to compose, further frustrating my need for instant gratification. Not everyone fits my profile, so if you choose this route, keep these things in mind:
All mail should be sent certified and registered, return receipt requested, requiring only the signature and ID of the person you intend the letter to be for. Also, make sure it says “Forwarding Address Requested” so you can find out where they moved to (within a year?) This serves to protect the privacy of the recipient,and give you an idea of when they received the letter.Please note that things can still go awry, and this also can tip off family members that it is a strange letter.
Be short, be real, and give them a reason to be curious. Telling your entire life story, no matter how incredibly compelling and entertaining it is leaves no mystery. Add a representative photo, seeing it may spark recognition and reinforce you are a human being.
If you move around a lot, be sure to include a permanent address and phone of people, who are supportive of you finding. This person may contact you a year or so down the line, or find the lost letter down the line. Make sure you keep in touch with your permanent contact.
Be patient, and know that people can be terrible about responding to mail, and could put off dealing with it for awhile, some don’t. Mail can be lost. The person you are contacting may not be ready to deal with contact at that time. They may be unemployed, going through a divorce or a bad marriage, going through a depression, be a flake, or starting a new job, planning a move, dealing with the death of a family member, starting a new relationship, having problems with family or funds. There are a whole host of reasons that have nothing to do with you, and some that have to do with their feelings around relinquishment and possible reunion.
THIRD PARTY CONTACT
This is a very vogue method of some adoptees, who feel uncomfortable with making contact themselves. It requires absolute trust on the part of the adoptee on the CI, and a willingness of the adoptee to accept that this person maybe the only person to contact the birthfamily member. If the third party botches contact, the adoptee will have to accept the consequences of that and deal wondering ‘what-if’ they had made the contact.
The third party you choose should have experience in making such contacts, or consult someone who is experienced to coach them.
The third party should be clear that they are working at the wish of the adoptee and listen to the preferences of the adoptee.
Communication and trust should be present. There should be a discussion over what should be done in whatever scenario that happens. The adoptee should have control over how the contact happens.
There should be a discussion and understanding about the risks and benefits involved with using a Intermediary.
Don’t let my cautionary tone make you think that what awaits you is rejection. Based on my experience of reading a whole bunch of reunion stories, you are more likely get a positive or guarded reception to initial contact, than rejection. The point is that there are no guarantees. Initial contact is the most scary thing you will ever attempt, but you will never know what you will find, unless you try.
