The Rollercoaster Ride, an Update
by Babs Barfbag
So, as I sit here a year after my reunion, what would I do differently? Well, for one, I would have ensured that my hurt and anger wasn’t displayed in a public forum. Sadly, my birthfather’s family read the anonymous “Rollercoaster” email that I wrote during a particularly painful time in my reunion, and it has upset them very much. Although my intentions were to get my feelings out in a safe, private and cathartic way, the result has been that the love and acceptance that I have longed for, has now been pushed even further out of reach.
When I was in the depths of despair after meeting my gravely ill birthmother, my birthfather reached out to me and offered love and support and for this I will always be grateful. But along the way feelings were hurt. How I wish I could turn the clock back and learn to be more patient and to more fully understand his family’s sensitivities. And how I wish that they could have understood the terror that their perceived rejection brought up in me. And how I wish that my birthfather knew just how precious his love is for me.
We all need to understand the potential for such miscommunication and deep emotions during reunion. I think it’s naive for us to go into it all thinking that things will go smoothly, and that we will be welcomed with open arms. Although we may be kind, caring and worthy individuals, the press and the odd “horror story” have made many people cautious and leary. Sadly, the shame and secrecy of our origins still lurk in the shadows. Some birthparents’ have buried the scars of relinquishment so deeply, that it is a painful proposition for them to even touch them. The intensity of reunions can bring up jealousy in spouses and adoptive families And our need to reconnect with our birthfamilies, to see our “hall of mirrors”, can be intense and scary to our birthfamilies who have never experienced this void. We can try and clear up the misperceptions of our motivations, but in the meantime, we need to accept it as reality and not to take their apparent caution as an outright rejection (easier said than done, I know!)
In hindsight, I wish that I could have better understood my fear of a “second rejection”, and had addressed it before embarking on the reunion journey. This may have been a pipe dream, as it was hidden deeply. And after facing a rejection from my birthmother, I was particularly sensitive to another in my birthfather reunion.
As my adoptee friend, Elizabeth, so emotively writes:
“Is it losing our Dads we are afraid of, or the fear of loss itself that makes us react to their silence with such terror? Thinking further, I realize it is not just simply a fear of loss, it is so much more. Personally, it is the fear of losing what is so precious, not just once, but twice. Our origins strand us beyond the reach of their protection, beyond the reach of their arms, beyond the bond of blood.”
Reunions can be very painful undertakings, but with mutual understanding and respect, I believe, we can minimize the angst. I can only hope that through my experience, I can help others. And I hope that “found” birthfamilies find the courage to share their experience so that searching adoptees can learn from it.
And what about my birthfather reunion? Well, I hope and pray that my new insight and patience will bring more joy and less sorrow. And I hope that he and his family will find it in their hearts to understand my fear, hurt and anger and look beyond it to get to know the sensitive, loving (and sometimes over zealous) person that is undernea
