The Lighter Side of being a Bastard
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s
blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At
this point, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued
to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife
considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to
him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Q. Did you hear that Alex Haley’s death was actually a suicide?
A. Yes, he found out he was adopted.
Q. How many birthfathers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Lightbulb? What lightbulb? I didn’t screw any damn lightbulb! It’s not my lightbulb and I don’t know anything about it.
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was
begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that
she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in
the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she
“had loved God for a long time”, that she was constantly talking
about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled to
have had his child.” In a press conference this morning, God
issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship
existed”, and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily”.
Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegaly funnelled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as
the “Wise Men”. Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several
angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the
affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have
little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally
appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale
flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beazulbub’s investigation has already been
expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of
locusts that plagued God’s political opponents in the last
election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the
cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a
scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was
quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a “tough-on-crime” plan consisting
of a series of 10 “Commandments”, which has been introduced in
Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have
pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation
of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the
“Name in Vain” Commandment as being an unconstitutional
restriction on free speech.
In alt.adoption, ** Janet Solursh wrote:
**Back where I lived in Maryland, there were TONS of adoption ads in the Penny Saver. I counted as many as 30 per issue.
Were they “Give us your baby” ads, or were they “Free to a good home” ads? *cackle*
All of which reminds me of the birthmother who abandoned her newborn quintuplets on her boyfriend’s porch with a note telling him to get out of her life…
Yes, folks… It was a “Dear John Litter”!
Head Bull-Goose Looney and Bistress of all She Surveys
What do you call an abandoned child hung on a hook on a wall?
Still A Real Bastard
Department of Compassionlessnessnessnessnesslessness
It seems that one fine day in Heaven, Jesus Christ decided He was lonely. he hadn’t seen his Earthly father in a looooong time (not since shortly before the Unpleasantness on Golgotha) and He had no idea if the kindly old man had made it to Paradise.
He was walking along, looking about when He spotted an elderly man sitting on a golden bench, sobbing as if his heart would break! Jesus (being a softie) immediately sat down next to the guy and asked what the matter was.
The old man raised his head and sobbed “I’m looking for my son!” Jesus was startled. “Tell me, Was your son REALLY your biological son?”
“No… he wasn’t. But he always wanted to be like all the other boys!”
“Well, was he… nonhuman… sort of?” Jeasus leaned forward eagerly to hear the answer.
“Well, he looked human enough… but he wasn’t… really.”
Jesus was very excited “And are you… a carpenter?!”
“Yes… I was.”
“Is your name Joseph?”
“Well… translated, it is, I think…”
Jesus threw his arms about the old man “JOSEPH! FATHER!!”
The man wrapped Jesus in his arms and cried in joy “Oh, PINOCCHIO!!”
It seems that this married couple, approaching their Fiftieth anniversary were really looking forward to a massive celebration from their four children. Since the children were all well off and settled, the parents thought they would really be wined and dined!
Well, the anniversary day rolled around and the four kids all visited their parents. they said “We’ll take you out to dinner!” and they did! to McDonalds! where the kids each chipped in for a Big Mac and fries for Mom and Dad! No presents, either! When they all got back to the parents’ home (in their car, nobody offered to pay for gas), the father called his kids together.
“I have something to tell you,” he began, “You see, we are celebrating our fiftieth anniversary together… but you see, your mother and I were never actually MARRIED!”.
The eldest son was aghast, “Dad! Does that mean that we’re all…”
“Yes!” roared their father, “AND CHEAP ONES AT THAT!!!
Ideas for Bastard Nation Logos:
A cherub resting its sweet chin on its arms a la Raphael, looking down upon a lump of rumpled bedsheets in a cheap motel. A variation on the theme could be to have him looking down on the backseat of a ’68 Mustang.
How about Uncle Sam “shooing” a crawling baby away with a broom. You know, like some people do to a stray dog.
Proposed names for Triad member groups:
Lesli LaRocco wrote:
Another feeble thought: MOAB, “Mothers of All Bastards”
Well, since Jackie suggested Birthwhore Nation, how about Slutvokia?
*chuckle* Well, It would seem birthmoms are those who labored under a misconception. You could say they never knew they had it in them. If they were all laid end to end… Or maybe that’s what happened…
United Sluts of Unmarried-ca
And for adoptees…
United Error’d Republic
AND for the ne’er do well birth FATHERS!!! and why don’t THEY come in for a few…?
“Well, dahlings, I’m actually descended from a long line my mothah once heard…!”
Lesli LaRocco discovered an important new basil variant in her garden and named it “Bastard Basil”. Arnie has some ideas on how to market it.:
Leslie on her “Bastard Basil”: Too tall, though, and too resistant to rot, unlike the inbred types. Kind of crude and vigorous. I’m thinking of propagating it, and offering it to Burpee, but only if they’ll keep the name. Bastard Basil, anyone?
I do have a couple of suggestions on marketing the plants…….
Sell it for $18,000 to $20,000 each.
Tell them it is a “Chosen Plant”
Point out the “White Spots” as that makes them more collectable. (HEALTHY WHITE PLANT)
To propagate the plant, you must get a bmother plant. No problems after that, it will be everywhere and they will be trying to get rid of them. (You can spot the bmother plant by the wide open branches, the plant will be moaning, it will stay out all night and in the morning it will remember nothing. Years later it will be bitching and looking for its little plants)
Send a few plants overseas and all sorts of people will go there and bring them back. They of course will never be able to say where it came from.
Point out that these plants can take extreme amounts of abuse, they can grow up in a shitty environment and take a licking and keep on ticking.
Go to the Clintons and see if you can get a tax credit for purchasers.
The plants with problems, such as broken branches, wilted leaves, and other defects are “Very Special Plants”
These plants can be locked up in a bedroom for extended periods of time.
When the owner has a new crop that they sprouted on their own, they can call the new ones “The Real Ones”.
“Plant Marketing Division”
Q. Why is it that birthmothers do not have a brain?
A. Cause they don’t have a dick to carry it in.
How many adoptees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They prefer to be in the dark.
In alt.adoption, Swan wrote:
Seems there was this farm family. One Easter afternoon, the farmer’s little girl decided to play a little joke on the hens. She took her basket of brightly painted eggs and slipped them into the nests as the hens were all out hunting for bugs.
Well, she and the family had to go to Church that day, so off they went. during services, the little girl wondered just what the hens would think of all those fancy foundlings in their nests. As soon as church was over she dashed home to see what had happened.
Jim scratched his head and replied “Why nothin’ Emily… but our old rooster is beatin the HELL outta that PEACOCK next door!!”
If Jesus were born today:
Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the child’s father) in a barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect.
Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney to represent her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph would be out of luck once it was determined that paternity could not be established within a reasonable degree of medical certainty through blood or DNA testing. (97% probability that Joe was the dad is sufficient, but absent divine intervention, that couldn’t happen, hmmm?) He would be excluded from juvenile court as a stranger to the proceeding and investigated for possible sexual deviance (all those oxen and asses around), and he would be told that he had no standing to object since he was not the natural father of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by their own admissions they had not yet consummated their union).
The Division of Children and Family Services would ask the court to order Mary to take parenting classes, and the Court would order that homemaker services be provided as well, since obviously Mary can’t keep house properly (the place where the DHS workers found the child was kept remarkably like a barn). Mary would be allowed to have one visit with Jesus per week at the Centers for Youth and Families. The visit would be one hour long, and supervised by a therapist since Jesus would no doubt be put in therapeutic foster care to prevent psychological damage resulting from the horrible lack of civilization to which he had been exposed at such a tender age.
At the eighteen month dispositional hearing, the court would consider terminating parental rights because of Mary’s refusal to bring a paternity suit against Jesus’ true biological father (or even to identify him to the satisfaction of the Court). The Court would be appalled at the life choices Mary would have made: she would have completed her marriage to Joseph (that suspected sexual deviant) and had more children by him, which was obviously contrary to Jesus’ best interest. Since Mary and Joseph had fled the jurisdiction with Jesus once to escape encounters with the authorities, they would determine that Mary and Joe had nefarious plans to abscond with the Ward of the State to Egypt again, where they would possibly engage in dangerous and illegal activities with him. Parental rights would be terminated, and Jesus would be put up for adoption.
He would be adopted by the Herods, a well-connected and politically powerful family, who have been searching for just such a child as Jesus. Of course, Jesus will die in the custody of his adoptive family, because that’s all they wanted him for in the first place. Social services will NOT have intervened prior to his death because the state social workers could never imagine someone as highly placed as the Herods exploiting children or torturing them to death. The political ramifications for the Herods would have been too severe. In all likelihood, the social service agencies would cover up the death as one occurring from accident, and Herod’s good name will be preserved.
The Pope will be out of work, and pagan deities will dance on the head of a pin.
My mother gave birth to a bastard.
My birth certificate is false.
I was denied contact with birth family
I am not an adoptee, nor am I a bastard.
Who am I?
Answer: An SOB! (Sibling of a Bastard)
Q: How many Birthmoms does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None – they always get someone else to do the crap jobs.
Q: How many Birthmoms does it take to change a lightbulb
A: Only one – but we can’t tell you her name.
Q How many contacted blood-relatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Why? Who wants to know? Who is this calling please?
Actual announcements from actual church bulletins:
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Today… Christian Youth Fellowsip House Sexuality course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
Q: How many birthparents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Geez – If they could fit, I guess they’d screw _anywhere_.
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”
William was heart-broken. But after eight months he eventually started dating again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in June.”
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”
His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”
Big city lawyer vacations every year at a small resort, and constantly is trying to woo and bed the owners daughter. Finally he succeeds in getting her into bed.
The following year he arrives at the resort for his vacation and sees the daughter holding a three month old child. He inquires if the child is his, and she replies yes. He asks why she didn’t tell him as he would have married her. She state the family talked it over and decided we would rather have a bastard in the family rather than a lawyer.