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Subject: The Chicken Runs IV (Final Chapter)

Message-id: <stevewhite-8DEF24.13421331102000@uchinews.uchicago.edu>

The final chapter?


 KUMOM3:  Clearly….the chicken was coerced…it’s obvious, by light of my truth, that the only way a chicken would cross the road, if indeed there was a road, that unbiased counseling…or the lack thereof…woulds educe that poor hapless chicken into crossing the road….so to speak.

Besides, until it actually crosses the road, the double line, that chicken is only thinking about it…so therefore it is not yet a chicken….it is a prospective chicken.. but I digress….go read my posts… and it will suddenly be made clear to you….that some people don’t care about the chicken….but only the eggs, the grade A’s,because it is all about YOU….go read my posts and THEN come back to ME and tell ME about personal integrity.

RUPA: I don’t know if the chicken crossed the road or not, and until the c chicken is here to give us her version of the story, I would not care to speculate on her motives. The chicken has not asked us for advice and I don’t think we should offer it; I would like to assume that the chicken is an adult chicken, capable of rational thought and decision-making on her own. The chicken could very well have crossed the road, after considering the best interests of all concerned. Or not.

 MARLEY: Why the fuck would the chicken want to cross the road anyway?

 DI: I don’t know if the chicken actually did cross the road. We are going to have an inquiry. If the chicken did not, in fact cross the road, there will be an apology for coming, I assure you. We’ve already referred this to the High Hen who will shortly intervene.

 MAS: The chicken was obviously drugged and henceforth forced to cross theroad. You realize don’t you that the high hormones levels immediately after a chicken lays an egg prevents it from making any rational decisions about crossing the road, according to our expert ornithologist.

VERONICA: The chicken didn’t cross the road, I killed it and ate it.Don’t you see the feathers sticking out of my mouth? That is what Lizard Queens do, you know. It was exquisite, by the way, perfect with my room tempurature Merlot. The candles on the table (Duncan Phyfe, of course), reflected beautifully on my laquered sporks.

 SUSAN DYNE: I ran over the fucking chicken, it never got across theroad.

 BILL PIERCE: The non-maritally pregnant chicken chose to cross the road and lay her eggs in privacy. Even though the farmer perhaps did not have the authority to promise the chicken confidentiality regarding hern on-maritally conceived eggs we should respect her right to privacy and seal egg records.

 DON: I ran down that fucking chicken, and you should have seen the ATV I used to do it. It was going to be Al Gore’s chicken in every pot anyway.I don’t give a rat’s ass, so fucking get over it.

LINDA F: That’s a good question, and I can find the reference for that.In the meantime, standing, cheering and clapping!

 LISA-BOO’S HUSBAND STEVE: I don’t give a shit why, just cook the damned thing.

 ELDIE: The chicken is perfectly free to want whatever it wants. It need not inflict its wants on any other barnyard creature if it thinks it would somehow be a bad thing to do. But the very fact that it feels compelled to cross the road is further evidence of the very high price it has paid for the advice it received from all those unethical, egg-clutching farmers.

 DUCKSTER: This chicken was not satisfied with itself, so it crossed. Itwas unsure of its own correctness, so it learned many things crossing the road. Quack.

 PLAYROY: The chicken obviously crossed the road to thank me for letting its eggs cross….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

 GHOULAGIRL: Because I aimed the Evil Mind Ray and willed it to cross.The chicken is merely an incubator for those eggs. The chicken crossed he road in order to abandon the eggs on the other side. Then the chicken recovered from all the hormones and drugs given to it during the egg-laying and said “where the fuck is my egg?” And I said, “Hey, YOU’RE t the one who contacted the farmer and BEGGED him to take that egg off your wings. Did you sign papers? You did? Well then, shut the fuck up about it already.”

 PALMS2PINES: Everyone knows that the chicken crossed the road merely toform open, loving and fully committed relationships with any eggs thatmay have been lovingly placed on the other side, pursuant to awell-reasoned and fully developed plan. The chicken’s crossing of the road was done legally, morally and ethically and the chicken received unbiased counseling before deciding to cross. It is my belief that anychickens who choose to make the crossing will, ultimately, be embracedby the very eggs they laid, and will work on their issue together, if in fact any arise. What was the question again?

MEMZOO / ELIZABETH: Chickens are known to cross roads. Much research hasbeen conducted as to why. Here is a link to a web site with more information on this subject: http://chickencrossings.why/. If the chicken in questions did cross the road, most certainly she should have done so only after extensive research into roads, traffic conditions,weather conditions, laws regarding jaywalking and the odds of actually making it to the other side. Anything less would constitute impulsivity,which is grounds for legal action by drivers of vehicles on that particular road. Any additional questions should be referred to my attorney. No..wait. I am an attorney.

 JEANNETTE: Fuck you bitch, I’m the chicken and I’ll cross the roadwhenever and however I damn well please.

 JACKIE: i have been thinking … that chicken … that road … I love this discussion.

JUROL/JULIA: I think this chicken is right to cross the road. Whenpeople find out I have 8 chickens, the inevitable question is “Wow – howcan you afford to keep them in corn?” That isn’t a feed-relatedquestion, just a query about the assumed expenses of having chickens these days. I am staggered by what some people seem to think isnecessary to spend on seed and water and indulging (IMO) their chickens.

Can’t say how tasty my chickens are likely to be, but I wouldn’t take the sizes of their future omelets as an indication of whether ornot they’d enjoyed crossing the road. Could be they just decide on other priorities in their Frank Purdue-shortened lives. Or perhaps they are just turkeys.

 JESSICA DeBABBLES: Um, like, um, the chicken crossed the road cause like adoption is way bad. I know this cause that’s what they say in the soaps. I think us kids should live with old people, like guys or guardians. I’m dig gin on being militant, and like I can wear my hair big again and like crawl around malls and stuff…what were we talking about? Oh adoption. It like sucks. That’s why I formed my own group against adoption, because I believe so much in something that doesn’t actually affect my life any. OK, so maybe I’m also trying to make up for not getting elected class president or homecoming queen. It wasn’t fair! I am much prettier than the other girls! I should have been homecoming queen! I’ll show them – I’ll make a club and THEY can’t join, so THERE! What were we talking about again?

 LORI CARANGELO: The chicken crossed the road because it was promised free medical care on the other side. That was a lie. The chicken was told that in crossing the road it would have six months to change its mind and return to the original roadside. That was a lie. The truth is the chicken was duped by society, its parents, the road crew filling potholes on that day, and, most importantly, the chickens on the other side of the road beckoning. Road crossings are EVIL and should be banned. No chicken should *ever* be allowed to walk across, fly across,ride a bike across. And that so-called “road”? It was just a filthy dirt path. Another LIE. I hate lies. I HATE chickens who cross ROADS. I HATE myself.

[ special note for Lori’s: it should be repeated 6 times with minor word changes in the last two sentences ]

 BARB MORRA: that chicken crossed the road to sit on the teen-agechickens eggs. that chicken took hormones in order to breast feed thosechicks that aren’t hers. she has CLODKNOCKERS she is an evil chickenthat wants to behave “as if” those chicks belong toher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! those chicks don’t belong to her! they belong to me! I mean they belong to the teen-age chicken that was abused by the rooster. visit my website where i have displayed my interpretation of the teen-age chicken’s uterus.

 PATTY B: The chicken crossed the road because it couldn’t find what itwas looking for by doing a google search.

 ELISA WHATSHERNAME: The chicken crossed the road to build a nest out of the 500,000 copies of my book, “Confessions of a Lost Chicken”, that  I have been trying to sell on Amazon.com.

MARLA: Hey, I’m just an egg. It’s not my fault. I have no idea how Igot to the other side of the road. Because of adoption, I’m supposedlyHard Boiled, Runny, or even Scrambled. Actually, I’m SunnySide up,although I have an occasional sulphur problem. This fowl habit may be by nature, or nurture, but no matter what, it’s not my fault. Dr. Laura can decide who’s to blame.

 GENTLE READER: Fowl play in Hell-A. What A-list movie staaah is soonto be hitched, having twins, but just can’t seem to keep his, er, ducksin a row? Word has it that short, dark and handsome left his owngrowing brood in NYC, for a fling with a gal of a different feather…

Eyewitness reports have this godfather of cinema flinging his latest bird *across the road* in a fit of passion. Literally, sweeties! Wonder if the missus-to-be will be cancelling their vacation…

 GENTLE READER (ALTERNATIVE): That fucking chicken can take some responsibility for crossing the fucking road as an adult, or just fuckoff for fuck’s sake.

 GENTLE READER (ALTERNATIVE 2): Honey, that chicken was gay, gay, gay!

Quelle shock! That chicken is well known for her whoring and partying.

Can you guess what other roads she’s been seen crossing lately? If she were a rooster she’d be such a horndog.

 NOUSER: The chicken crossed the road because she wanted.

NU: not a chicken.


 SUE T: Oh My. Did any of you actually see this chicken actually cross that road? If not, then the word ‘allegedly’ was erroneously missing from your previous post.

If in fact, some one were to step forward saying that they did in fact witness the crossing of said road by the chicken in question, then I would have to ask more questions of and about the supposed witness to the alleged crossing. For example, was said witness ever party to anidentifited or private adoption situation in any capacity? If so , I would hope that no- one here would take their testimony as gospel.

And most critical to the situation at hand is the interplay betweenthose who love this chicken, on both sides of the well traveled road. I can only hope that this chicken, newly crossed over, would not assume that he has left behind all that was on the old side of the road. He may try to, and may even be coaxed into trying to let go of the other side of the road, by the chickens who love him, on the new side of the road .

HELEN: Whose chicken crossed the road because she had been told NOT TO!However this was no thick chick. She was cute enough to Riverdance her way across, thus bringing the traffic to a standstill. All the other chickens who had already made it to the other side joined her in a mad whirl of stomping feet and flying feathers.They have been booked for a U.S. tour which is to culminate in a mini-series successfully bid for by Fronda Lemming, of Green Cheese Productions, who NEVER puts all her eggs in one basket, preferring to lay a little one here, a little one there. This HRT* keeps them all in line, knowing they can be stuffed and replaced any time.

 ADOPTADAD: The chicken crossed the road because there are over 500,000waiting children right here in our country. The chicken considered crossing earlier in the day because older children need homes, too. However, traffic was too heavy and problems with older children in foster care are greatly eggs-aggerated. The chicken waited a few hours for traffic to subside because caring for older children does not involve the diaper changes and the 2:00 a.m. feedings infant adoptions require. By, mid afternoon the chicken felt sure she could safely cross the road and did so to get over to the diner for the dinner special,prepared by a happy, well adjusted adult who had been adopted from foster care as a young boy. As the chicken gulped her dinner with glee,she squawked, “There are over 500,000 waiting children right here in our country!”

CELESTE: Because it knew it was being pursued by the troll that has been bugging me for years. Look at the past troll “Emeraldcty1” That person was bashing all sorts of animals, esp. Chickens and other Fowl, s/he got into bashing agricultural figures and preservatives, and gays also, in the same mean-spirited way. Sounds like a very vulgar person, that most people might be inclined to think it was a man-chicken, and a very ugly,lonely, sick chicken to boot. Boy does she got everyone fooled. She thinks she is helping everyone by livening up the newsgroup. Or perhaps she is screaming out for help. When her egg finally cracks then we will see who this is maybe, but what will have to happen for her to finally come to her end. It could be that all, or anyone one of us are in danger of this person, but so far her maddness seems to be mainly concentrated or vented on the Internet and alt.adoption. And me. And now this poor chicken.

 KLUCKSKI: Are you now telling me that you had nothing to do with the chicken crossing that road?! That’s disgusting. How can you people live with yourselves? You probably eat eggs, too. Don’t blame me that MY chicken crossed the road. That was a long time ago and how was  I to know what awaited that chicken on the other side of the road? I know better now and I insist that, now that YOUR chicken has crossed the road (no thanks to you people), you have no alternative morally other than to invite all similarly situated chickens to join her, and you, inperpetuity, on this side of the road. I am totally disgusted by your obvious insecurity.

 linda_mom2five: The chicken courageously crossed the road, in spite ofall the court whores who tried to stop her, so she could give her chicksan inappropriate greasy food — FRIED EGGS! That’s right! FRIED EGGS!She did it right in front of the whores. Then, realizing howcannabilistic it was, she had a psychotic chicken episode. I supposethis is the kind of chicken you all want to eat.


FRIED CHICKEN6 cups buttermilk

1/4 c. +1 T. kosher salt

2 chickens that didn’t make it across the road

3 C. all purpose flour

1 T. fresh ground pepper

1 tsp. cayenne pepper

2 T, baking powder

2 lbs. vegetable shortening

1/4 C. bacon drippings (optional)

Combine buttermilk and 1 T. of salt. Coat chicken pieces, cover and refrigerate for 2 hours.

Combine flour and remaining salt, the peppers and baking powder in a large brown paper bag. Shake vigorously.

Add chicken pieces, one by one, in the paper bag and shake to coat; place on clean plate. Heat vegetable shortening and bacon drippings in

2 cast iron skillets. Bring shortening to 375 degrees F. Fry chicken until coating is dark golden, 10 to 14 minutes, and turn and cook another 10 to 14 minutes. Drain on brown paper bags or paper towels.

Serve warm.

 THE A.A CHICKEN: (flapping wings madly as it avoids Don’s ATV)


Thanks to Steve White and Jim Hamilton for compiling and retrieving.

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