Reasons Why You Can’t Have Your Hospital Records – or-
Why You Should Never Tell a Paper Pusher You’re Adopted
Subject: Bastard Nation’s Community Service Project
As Bastard Nation continues to grow – I think it is important that we attempt to make a contribution to our community. I would like to recommend targeting the medical records departments of all major hospitals. I thought it would be nice if we sent them a tastefully decorated and printed ADOPTEE EXCUSE OF THE DAY Calendar – that way – the person answering the phone need only glance down at the calendar when confronted by an adoptee and use whatever excuse coincides with that day of the month….
“Good morning , Medical Records, St Joseph Hospital …This is Celesta speaking…”
” Hello, I would like to obtain a copy of my medical record from my admission at my birth.”
“Oh, no problem….We can get that right out to you…what is your date of birth, sir?”
“I was born March 8, 1959”
“Okay…great…and what is your name?”
“Sir…I just need your name and I will mail your record right out to you today..”
“well, ummm..you see…that is the problem…I don’t ….”
“Sir! Are you an adoptee??!!!”
“Well, yes…yes, maam..I am…”
*Now Celesta need only glance down at her calender open to today’s date…..*
“Oh…I am so sorry sir…but your medical record was destroyed by the great flood of 1959…..goodbye sir…..”
This would be such a wonderful service – that we, as ungrateful bastards, could provide for medical records clerks across the nation….. Now, we just need 365 excuses – IT IS ALL UP TO YOU!!!!!!!!
Let’s get started…..
1. Your records were destroyed in a fire.
Everyone join in!!!
2. A beaver ate them, right before we blew him up.
3. We have given your records to your bparents for safekeeping, contact them.
4. Have you seen the movie “TWISTER”?
5. Your amom, Celeste, has them……
6. We sent them overnight mail on the last ValuJet plane.7. We already mailed the originals to you last month, and you signed for them.
Mark Cavalier writes:
I am sorry to tell you that the information you requested is:
8. Not open (sealed)
9. Only accessible to your aparents.
10. Was destroyed just a few days ago.
11. Will be open for your inspection in 75 years.
12. Was washed away by the great hurricane.
13. All parties involved must agree to let you have it.
14. We can’t tell you who all parties are until they agree to it.
15. The judge hates adoptees. (except at election time).
16. What is a manifesto? (mexican food or something?)
Kim at Pitt writes:
17. The filing cabinet is locked and we’ve lost the keys.
18. Your records no longer exist on paper – everything is now done on computer. Unfortunately, the system just hasn’t been the same ever since a temp spilled one of those McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes into the mainframe last March.
19. You need a court order.
20. It’s not *my* decision.
21. Your records are filed under your name at birth, and since you don’t know your name at birth, I don’t know which name to look under.
22. David Copperfield made them disappear on his last special.
23. The dog ate your records.
24. It has become an X-FILE. The truth is out there.
25. We had them stored on board Babylon-4 when it disappeared into Sector 14. Maybe Commander Sinclair can help you.
26. (In your best Kosh voice) “They are not for you.”
27. Janeway’s got ’em. You’re screwed.
28. Well, we ran out of confetti at the last Staff New Year’s party and…
29. Hmmm, they were last checked out by Dr. Frankenfurter. I’ll try to phone him at his castle…
30. Your lost mom and dad are your X-parents.
31: Hospital: I’m sorry but your records were destroyed on your 18th birthday.
Adoptee replies: But I was here when I was 17 and you said that I could not have them until after I turned 21.
Hospital: Uh, Oh, Uh…well who ever told you that was wrong and it’s too late now so… Anyways, what’s the matter with you, don’t you love your aparents.
32. I’m sorry but if you cannot prove that you were born at this hospital because the name of the hospital is blanked out on your birth certificate then I cannot release this file I have in my hands right now that matches perfectly all the other information that you gave.
33. Please hold. … (tell everyone in the office not to pick up line 3)
34. We had a termite infestation and the hungry little devils ate your records.
35. My son used the backs of your records to do his homework on and then the dog ate them.
36. We were inputting them into our computer, destroyed the papers, and then, before we could create a backup copy, the system failed and all records were lost.
SS (Ungrateful Bastard):
37. Your records er… um have been hijacked by little green men.
38. We can’t find your records ‘cuz… well, we just can’t.
39. Records, what records?
40. You not only need a court order, but you gotta catch us on a good day or we’ll give you some other lame brained excuse.
41. “The records you requested are currently stored in boxes which have been used to build walls in our office. Files drawers stand on either side of these walls and cannot be moved, therefore, we cannot grant your request at this time.” TRUE STORY!
Since this is about hospitals, I thought I would chime in:
42. Whatever makes you think we’re here to help anyone?
43. No, sorry, I’m the janitor. The file clerks are on break. I haven’t seen them this month.
44. The person who does that no longer works here, and we don’t have a replacement yet due to the 5 year hiring freeze — damned HMOs!
45. Those files were in the old hospital building which was torn down.
46. Certainly sir/maam, just as soon as you pay the hospital bill for your birth expenses all those years ago, with accumulated interest.
47. The doctor who delivered you has these records, and he’s dead.
48. Whooops! Code-blue! I have to go NOW!
49. (if the caller is a woman) Certainly, but we need a semen specimen from you to confirm your identity.
50. (if the caller is a man) Certainly, but we need a cervical swab from you to confirm your identity.
And my favorite:
51. We just shipped your records to the original country of your origin.
52. We put the records on microfilm and they haven’t come back from the 52 Film Developer yet, but we expect them any year now!
53. The attorney handling that case has all of those records, let’s see,
54. hmmm, it looks like a Mr. Vince Foster has them. Please call him about it.
55. Your signature must be notarized.
56. You have to give us your mother’s name at the time of birth.
57. Your name doesn’t match the name on the records.
58. Send us a check for $50.00 and we will get to work on it.
59. We don’t provide records to adoptees.
60. There was a really cute stray puppy we were keeping in here sometime last year. We needed some papers to line the room where he was staying so he wouldn’t do his business right on the floor and well…
61.The wing of the hospital closed several years ago and all records are now missing.
62. Our records administrator was taking them to be mailed to you. We don’t know where he or your records are. He has Alzheimer’s disease – wanders and forgets things.
63. The records were put in a special burglar proof indestructible vault and the combination to it has been lost.
: 64. “Our records were transferred to computer a few years ago, but many of them were lost or destroyed in the process, including the ones from the year that you were born.”
The information you have requested (check as many as apply):
65. ( ) Is a secret.
66. ( ) May be revealed to faceless bureaucrats, but not to you.
67. ( ) Is none of your business.
68 ( ) Was lost in a fire/flood/civil disturbance.
69. ( ) Was destroyed when the lawyer who took care of the matter died.
70. ( ) Was destroyed after ten years, like all of our records.
71. ( ) Was given to your adoptive parents when your adoption became final, and no other copies can be issued.
72. ( ) Was false to begin with, and so will be of no use to you should you obtain it.
73. ( ) Is the property of this agency.
74. ( ) Can be discussed only with our original clients, the adoptive parents, and should they happen to be dead, that’s too damn bad.
75. ( ) Died in a car crash.
76. ( ) Is the property of another government with whom we no longer maintain diplomatic relations.
77. ( ) Was the property of another country’s previous government, and was destroyed in the coup-d’etat.
78. ( ) Will cost you three thousand dollars.
79. ( ) Will take this agency three years to compile.
80. ( ) Is information you gave away all right to years ago, when you signed those papers, and you should be ashamed of yourself for asking.
81. ( ) Could not be found. Perhaps the file is missing. Sorry.
82. ” Born? You were not born, you were adopted! ”
83. During a renovation project for the Forum Building the entire building was contaminated with lead paint dust. While the rest of the building remained open during the abatement process, contamination in our restricted book stacks was discovered to be above safe levels and the stacks were closed to everyone.
84. Lightening struck that section of the hospital where the records were kept and they were all incinerated.
85. They were recycled into Duralogs during an environmental awareness period our administration was going through.
86. We have no record of your being born here.
87. The clerk had a severe attack of depression and … used all the papers as tissues and wrapped herself up in all the microfilm and submerged herself in hot water thinking they were “spa health wrap” material.
88. Records? We don’t have no stinking records.
89. Since implementation of cost-cutting measures imposed upon us by the Reagan administration, several measures have been taken to reduce costs at all government facilities. Details of such measures are not available but let’s just say toilet paper ain’t cheap!
90. Well, we could tell you – but then we’d have to kill you.
91. Your birthfather swore us to secrecy so you wouldn’t come after all his money, or worse yet, Windsor Castle.
92. Those records can be released upon your death. If you are, indeed, deceased, please provide a death certificate matching the name on your birth certificate.
93. We’ll be happy to release that information upon written request from your birth mother. (TRUE)
94. If she didn’t want anything to do with you then, what makes you think she wants anything to do with you now? (TRUE – well, ok, it wasn’t a person who could actually get to the records anyway.)
95. Your birthmother doesn’t want to share Graceland with you, so we can’t tell you who she is.
96. Don’t be ridiculous. You died at birth. It says so right here…
97. Those records were taken by the FBI. An agent named Scully signed for them.
98. You need clearance from the Atomic Energy Commission to receive that information.
99. You are in a witness protection program, and I can’t tell you who you are. In fact, I’m not speaking to you right now.
100. We had a problem with the ink that year–it disappeared from the records before they could be computerized.
101. (In the voice of the blonde girl on Mad TV) Records, well I just happen to have them right here in front of me, yes I sure do! But, y’know WHAT? UH UH! Bye bye now!
102. Well, actually, we’re not allowed to release that information to adoptees under any circumstances. (Terret’s Syndrome -) Five thousand dollars.
103. Sure, we’ll give you your birth records. I know you live 3000 miles away, but you’ll have to come here in person, and bring your original long form birth certificate, three pieces of photo-id, legal proof of any name changes, and a cheque for $50.
104. – Sorry, but our heater broke down last winter when it was minus 80 degrees outside. We had to burn all our old paperwork to keep warm.
105. I’m sorry, but our file clerk is away on a five year sabbatical in Africa. And since she’s a member of the union, I can’t take any work away from her. Sorry.
106. Oh, well, I’ll just read your records to you right now. Ahem… “(Insert Birth date here). Bastard.” No, REALLY. That’s all it says!
107. Okay, here’s what your records say… JUST KIDDING! I wasn’t really going to tell you!
108. I’m sorry. But if you wanted your records so damn badly, you should have taken them with you when you left the hospital.
109. We’re not allowed to give records out to adoptees. Know how I know you’re adopted? You gave us the wrong birth date for yourself. Ha ha ha ha ha. What kind of dumb bastard doesn’t know her own birth date? Ha ha ha.
110. Sure, we can get you your records. But first, yonhave to show us an original birth certificate, eight pieces of photo-id, security clearance from NASA, the CIA, and the FBI, three letters of reference from psychoanalysts to prove you’re not insane or unstable, a complete list of every address you’ve ever lived at, every employer you’re ever worked for, and every association you belong to. Once we’ve verified that you check out okay – this will only take about 25 years what with the waiting period and all – we have to request your records from a storage facility on Mars, and then your records will be out to you in approximately twelve light years.
111. We’ll need your footprints to compare to the records before we can even consider looking for them.
112. I’m sorry by it seems your records were mistakenly put into the pile of paper the administrative assistant used to test the new paper shredder.
113. Oh my, those records have been sent to the preventive genetics study program at Marduke University. They’ll be doing a follow-up later this year. What’s your address?
114. Your identical twin who was not relinquished has them.
115. It’s none of your business.
116. We are waiting for approval from the NCFA before we release them.
117. They were placed in a time capsule that is embedded in the corner of Bill Pierce’s house.
118. They are written in English and we are translating them for our file clerk who is from Paraguay. We’ll forward them to you as soon as she passes her course on English as a second language.
119. They were sent to you but the post office must have lost them.
120. When unwed mothers came here years ago, we did not keep records for their privacy, sorry.
121. We can only release non identifying info about you, and you were fine. There’s your info.
122.Your bio-mother requested we not contact her.
123.The agency has the records.
124.The doctor that delivered you sent the records with your adoptive parents. Obviously they do not want you to know.
125.The records are stored in a warehouse 12 states away from here- guess which way and which state?
126.Those records mildewed and we had to throw them out because OSHA said it was a health hazard.
127. The records? What records? There are no records.
128.Let me transfer you to adoption losers.
129.Name at time of birth?
130.Name of Parents?
131.Name of the doctor?
132.Mother’s maiden name?
133.We will need the address of your mom at the time of the delivery.
134.Oh…adopted….well…those files were being stored, and then there was a fire there in the basement, and then there was a flood from the sprinkler system, and then there was mold and then there was OSHA and then we disposed of them and then we picked up the phone…. NEXT!!!!!
Jennifer Cooklin (ISO birthfamily born 9-15-70 in Cincinnatti, Ohio)
135.Well you see it’s like this… your a-mother Celesta has them locked behind a door with you severly ADHD brother… but it is just to keep you out.
136. Call the court that handled the case they should have your info.
I called the court and they don’t have it….. under this name that name or my aparents name or my birthdate….
Did you try having the court look under you bmothers name?
137. The state registry could get the info you have….. call them
I called them and all they said was yes I was born.
Did you register?
They said I couldn’t register. I had to petition the court to open the files that they don’t have and then pay them 50 dollars to release that information to the registry.
Well your birthmom can register.
138 Call the agency…..
The agency that is in your court records.
139. Try the lawyer that handled the case……
The one that is in the court records?
Yes, that’s the one!!!! he could help you.
140. “Hi I’m the idiotic machine that belongs to the idiot that has 365 reason that you can’t have your records…… You’ll never get to me so I can tell you no you can’t have your own records about your own medical history or treatment… but leave a message at the court and I’ll get back to you.”
141. Social Worker: Oh yes, I have it right here…(eyes roll upward while reaching for form letter 632:”Nosy Bastards Who Can’t Leave Well Enough Alone”) Ok. Let’s see. Your doctor’s name is Eminen T. Domain, the lawyer’s name is M. Alfie Zants, your mother’s name is Mora L. Turpitude, and your father’s name is N. Rem. Always remember, the laws were created for _your_ protection. Good Luck!
142. Your records are not available due to microfilm erosion (they really told me this!!!:-p)
143. I’m sorry, but your birth is none of your business.
144. You want what!?!?!?! (lots of laughter)
145. The Cigarette-Smoking man transferred those files to a digital tape and stuffed it up Krycek’s anus right before he was locked in the radioactive missile silo.
146. We recycled them to make tennis shoes for underprivileged children who are GRATEFUL to HAVE them!
147. Bill Pierce has used them to insulate his attic.
Genuine Excuses from the U. of A. Hospital in Edmonton (names changed):
148.Hi. This is Celesta. You’ll have to talk to Nancy about that, because I don’t know anything about it, and she’s out for lunch right now. – when you call back… Hi. This is Nancy. You’ll have to speak to Celeste about that, because I don’t know anything about it.
149. Oh, you were _adopted_? Well, we can’t send you anything then.
150.Why do you want your records?
151.What information… I mean, what EXACTLY is it that you want to know from your birth records? I mean, WHY on earth would you want something so old?
152.Well, it was put into the mail MONTHS ago. It must have gotten lost.
153.I know we sent it to you, because it says so right here. But what’s your address, because we don’t have it. 154.Adoptee – By law, you have to give me my birth records.
Celesta – No, we have to give the _patient_ their records. And since you can’t prove you are the patient, you can’t have them.
Adoptee – But I GAVE you proof of who I am. You have copies of my adoption records.
Celesta – According to your birth certificate, you are not the patient. And since adoption records are sealed, we have no way of verifying that yours are genuine.
155. Celesta – Okay, I’ve now been told that you CAN have your birth records – IF your birth mother will come down here and sign a waiver.
Adoptee – My birth mother committed suicide six years ago, because she couldn’t handle not knowing where her children were.
Celesta – Well, like I said, we still need her consent.
Adoptee – I told you, she’s DEAD! Do you want _proof_? I can get you proof.
Celesta – Um… talk to Nancy… I can’t help you. – click
156. Well, I know we already sent them, but okay… we’ll send them _again_. You should have them by early next week (snicker, snicker).
157. A dangerous fungus grew on them and we had to have them fumigated. In the fumigation process, many were disintegrated. I am sorry to inform you that yours were among the fungus-ridden and disintegrated.
Jean the Bean:
158. Oh, sure — I have your birthmother’s last name right here on this baby ID bracelet… no, wait… dang! I can’t seem to scrape off this darn price tag!
159. (Actual quote from the Boston registry of births:)
“Those records were destroyed. But you can get a court order to see them.”
160. Well, we really *wanted* to keep your records, but we thought it would be better for *you* if we sent them down a river in an unmarked bottle.
161. You want your records? Let me ask *you* something. Don’t you love your parents, or what?
162. Oh, your *records*? We aborted them.
163. Perfect one for Feb. 29 birthday people:
Celeste: Well, according to our records, you were born on February 29, so you’ll be eligible to view them when you turn 21.
Adoptee: I’m 25 now.
Celeste: Not according to our records. They say you’re only 6. You’ve still got 15 more birthdays to celebrate (smirk)
164. Do you have your receipt?
165. I’d give your records to you but someone has wrapped them all up in red tape and I can’t seem to cut through it.
166. Rod Serling already picked them up.
167. Talk to the hand.
168. Our records show that we don’t have any record of your records.
169. Do you have any proof that you were born?
170. Yours is a broken record.
171. Diseases, miss?? Well….(smirk) we can certainly see why you would be afraid of “diseases”…. but considering your age you are in no immediate danger of dying from anything that your birth mother would have contributed to!!
172. Records?? Considering your status, the only record you are entitled to is something by Motley Crue. (punchline: Motley Crue’s single Bastard)
173. We most certainly understand the need for you to know where you came from. The stork brought you!!
174. Two words: Non existent!
175. (This can be universally applied to any government agency/medical facility) Will you look at that honey, my computer terminal just crashed. Must be all the adoptees trying to access their records!! Overloads the system with unnecessary traffic!! I better go find someone who can lie to your face a little bit better than I can.
176. I just work here.
177. Oh, the adoption worker who was holding your file followed a herd of other adoption workers off a cliff. It was tragic. Sorry.
178. Well now, if you’d be willing to contribute to society by signing up for our cryogenics experiment, we’d be happy to match your DNA to that of your parents. That is, when we are fully capable of it, say in, oh, 2050.
179. Records? Yes, you have reached a recording. (Click.)
180. Records? RECORDS? Excuse me, but have you heard of _recycling_, or are you not from this century?
180. Apparently you don’t understand why you were adopted. Adoptees always come from parents where the mother was a slut and the father was a lay-about dog with no future. Do these sound like people who leave reliable information? I suggest your next call be to your adoptive parents, expressing how _grateful_ you are that they took you in.
181. Oh, apparently you haven’t been keeping up with “Journal of Higher Education.” All adoptee records are now in the hands of a sociology professor who is doing a study promoting the return of orphanages and workcamps. You’re obviously another unhappy adoptee. It’s people like you who confirm his theory. Perhaps if you applied for graduate school at his university and were accepted under his mentorship, you could see your records.
182. Oh yes, we sent it by pigeon to your adoptive parents a few years ago. Now, um, remember how Bert on Sesame Street loved pigeons? (You’re an eternal child like the rest of the adoptees, aren’t you?) Well, unfortunately, it was around the time of the Bert-and-Ernie-are-homosexuals-rumor scandal, and the delivery pigeon was shot down. Bye now.
183. “Due to the considerable amount of time which has passed, we no longer have your records. We just don’t keep older things.” (ACTUAL EXCUSE!)
184. The truth of the matter is you are a clone and have no “parents”
185. Ahh we have been waiting for you to contact us, you were part of a secret military project to create a “master” race, but unfortunately you were “inferior” and marked for termination at birth, please report to our offices at …
186. Hmmm…that’s funny. They don’t seem to be here. Perhaps we already sent them to you. Are you sure you don’t have them?
187. Unfortunately your record has been recorded over. However, if you would like to view the season finale of “Days of our Lives”, we would be happy to send it to you.
188. Your record is on vinyl and we can’t find a record player anywhere.
189. We don’t have your record — however, we DO have your 8-track..
190. You have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Your record will not bring you happiness. Therefore, we are terminating your pursuit of it, thus ensuring your emotional glee. Aren’t we nice?
191. Your record was signed with disappearing ink. The expensive kind.
192. The Doctor signing your record had Parkinson’s disease, so everything written on it is illegible.
193. It’s all on a computer, but the county hasn’t given us the funds for monitors.
194. I’m sorry sir, but it’s in Braille.
195. Because your birth record was an illegal abortion, it is confidential.
196. Birth certificate, death certificate — is there really a difference?
197. Why don’t I just get you your death certificate instead …
198. Because your original birth name is an expletive, it has been censored from our records.
199. If I told you that you were Bill Clinton’s illegitimate son, I’d have to kill you.
200. You call and they say, “We’ll send it to you.” Weeks later you receive a letter reading as follows: “Dear Bastard: Enclosed is the bill for searching our records. The search was successful. Thank you. Sincerely, Bastard Hospital. P.S. I would have enclosed the birth certificate but I just sealed the envelope.
201.: Ask your “inner-child”.
202. If a birth certificate fell in the woods and on a bastard, would it make a sound?
203. Your certificate is filed by number. Sing all the numbers above one. When the song is over, that’s the number of your birth certificate.
204. Birth certificates are filed by number, and yours is the square root of a negative number.
205. They tell you that you can get your certificate on www.sex.com in hopes that you become distracted.
206. It will cost one million Pepsi Points.
207. “The King” doesn’t want you to see the records. (You’re not sure if they’re talking about Jesus Christ or Elvis Presley!)
208. Before we can mail it we need to stamp “UNAUTHORIZED — NOT VAILD FOR IDENTIFICATION PURPOSES” onto it and we just ran out of ink.
209. They tell you that the phone and electricity just went out; then they hang up.
210. They tell you to collect a sperm sample and bring it to a certain address. When you arrive, you find yourself in the office of the COOL WHIP plant.
211. You don’t need your birth certificate because you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and, dog-gone-it, people like you!
212. Upon your request, you’re switched to another line, where a deep, monotonous voice begins questioning you about a “grassy knoll” …
213. When you say, “Give me certificate or give me death!”, they transfer you to a doctor named Kevorkian …
214. The information on your birth certificate has been sealed by a court order because you were delivered by Satan.
215. Stop wasting your time because the end is near … repent sinner!
216. You have a better chance in the afterlife.
217. Your birth certificate was gassed to death in what looked like an ordinary shower.
218. When you ask them about your roots, they ask if you’re a natural blonde.
219. When you ask them about your past, they ask you about your future and Attachment Converted: c:\eudora\attach\sales pitch for Mutual Life Insurance Retirement Plan. certificate to find out where *I* came from!” they say, “Okay,” and hang up.
220. Your birth certificate is on an “astral plane.”
221. They ask for your serial number to make sure you’re not stolen.
222. Call yourself using a phone that has caller ID — then you’ll know who you are!
223. When you ask them who you are, they refer you to a psychiatrist.
224. Your certificate is in a very important meeting right now with some big clients and will have to get back to you.
225. Your certificate was the sixth kid on the block, and disappeared with the rest of them.
226. They inform you your birthplace is Roswell and give you no further information.
227. We aren’t taking calls right now because we’re too busy burning birth certificates just to keep warm.
228. Your certificate made an improvised diaper for a baby that was left at their doorstep.
229. They tell you their nose just started bleeding, and will have to let you go.
230. They tell you that you don’t need a family when there’s Barney! “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family …”
231. “Your b father must sign authorization for you to have this information.”
Adoptee: “But he’s deceased !”
Reply: “I’m sorry, but our policy says we must have his permission.”
232. This was actually said to me:
“Well I’m an adoptive mother and I KNOW you won’t need those records, there’s nothing in those records that you need to know or that can do you any good.”
233. Oh, yes, adoption records. Those are in the indestructible records vault with the indestructible locked doors–security, don’t you know. Unfortunately the indestructible doors are jammed and no one has a clue how to unjam them.
234. We have it on good authority from Social Security records that your birth mother is dead, and if she didn’t tell you what you want to know then we certainly aren’t going to. It just wouldn’t be right.
235. Well, we did get your bare footprints in the mail. You certainly have grown! I don’t think our expert print matcher has had any luck so far. Sorry.
236. Stupid Hospital Personnel(SHP) : “Well, we would release the records to you, but to safeguard everyones’ privacy, we wait until the birthparents are deceased.”
Adoptee: “How do you know if she is deceased?”
SHP : “Have you never heard of the obituary section?”
Adoptee: “What if they moved out of the city?”
SHP: “Well, if they do not want to be found, their move does make that opening of your records difficult, right?”
Adoptee: “But I want to find them while they are still alive.”
SHP: “That is against hospital policy.”
Adoptee: “Then why do you even offer to give out any information about me at all even after they are dead?”
SHP: “You know, you have a good point. I think I will bring it up to the next staff meeting that we stop helping out adoption issues at all. That woud sure save a lot of time. Good Day.” Click
237. When were you born? Oh, yes — we were still doing radiation experiments on you orphans back then. Your birth certificate was kept in the room with you, but don’t worry — it’s safely buried underground now.
238. Medical records? Well, I can tell you for free that you’re sick in the head.
239. You weren’t born. You were reincarnated.
240. Your birthmom is Catholic, and she wrote that you were immaculately concieved. Lucky you! Go ask your birthdad for more information.
241. The clerk who was holding your file spontaneously combusted.
242. Your birthmom was so afraid that she faked her name _and_ your father’s, so you wouldn’t learn anything anyway.
243. Oh, they’re rich and famous, so even if the laws change, you’ll still never know. What are you — some golddigger?!
244. First, we’d like you to come to our office and show us the “born on” date we tattooed on your ass. Ha, ha! Just kidding. We don’t have to tell you a damn thing.
245. We sent it to your birthfather when he was up in the Himalayas contemplating his identity. He hallucinated from the lack of oxygen, and we haven’t heard from him since.
246. *I* don’t have to look at _my_ birth certificate to know who _I_ am. Seek counseling.
247. The parents who paid good money for you! —*That’s* who your parents are!
248. The agency was running low on Healthy White Infants, so they fertilized anonymous eggs with anonymous sperm and paid college students to be surrogate moms. So, technically, the agency is your only birthparent.
249. Oh, you’re of age now, so I can tell you — you were part of a control group. You were just _told_ you were adopted. So, how’s it felt thinking you were a bastard? Your comments are important for our study.
250. You were born on an army base. The only parent you need to know about is Uncle Sam.
251. Oh, yes, we have a roulette wheel here for just these type of calls. We get so many, we decided to give you a chance. If your number wins, we go ahead and…whoops! Here comes the boss. (click)
252. We have no record of you, Ma’am; so, basically, you don’t exist. Is this some type of prank call?
253. I can’t provide that information. But, I have a friend who can channel the spirits of your birth great-grandparents. That should tell you something.
254. Well, if you think you can pick them out by their pictures, we might be able to get around the law. You only get one chance, though.
255. There was only one certificate, so the agency could save money, and we already gave it to your twin. No, there’s no mistake…oh, you’re right, sorry. You were triplets.
256. You know everything you need to know from just looking in the mirror, and pursuing your interests. What do you need a silly piece of paper for?
257. You say that you’re frustrated? That there are even cats and dogs with more family history that you? Well, the mutts don’t have any…hello? 258. We’ll stop treating you like a child when you stop acting like one. It’s time you grow up and accept the parents that raised you.
259. As far as we can tell, your parents were aliens. No, not immigrants — from outer space. If you want any more information, you’ll have to contact the FBI.
260. Your birthmom got kind of upset when we asked her how much she thought you were worth. It was just standard procedure. Anyway, she ran off crying before we could get her name.
261. It says here your birthparents were Chinese. You don’t speak Mandarin or Cantonese, so there must be some mistake.
262. If I told you, you’d just be more confused. One family is enough for anyone.
263. You descended from a bastard clan of South Bastardland. Never heard of it? Well, that island is now a protectorate under a different country, which we cannot disclose, and they have your records. I can’t tell you government business, but I think we’re about to go to war with them.
264. Well, I can’t tell you that, but I will read you your astrological chart for a mere $3.00 a minute.
265. (Texans only) Adoptive uncle Gov. Bush has a taste for tobacco rolled in birth certificates. The adoptee certificates were just sitting around collecting dust, so…
266. You just want the info so you can hunt down your birthparents and make them feel guilty. Nothing doing.
267. I can tell you this — your birthmom claimed specific Native American heritage, but she didn’t have family records to register with her tribe, so…you can feel a common bond, in spirit.
268. Your mother got pregnant from swimming in a public pool. We didn’t keep her name.
269. None of us really know who we are, do we? 270. Look, I’m a government clerk, not a psychologist. I think you have the wrong number, if you know what I mean.
271. Your records were written in a special ink that vanished on the day your birthmom relinquished you.
272. Adopted? Those records are file by original birthname. What was that again?
273.I’m sorry. You need the judge that signed your adoption to sign off on it… He retired fifteen years ago.
274. Bill Pierce has adopted those records. You’ll need his permission.
275. Ah yes; Adoptee 24601 – let me see. Here we are! It seems that you are an ungrateful little bastard. We can’t provide records to your kind.
276. You adopted people are incredibly shallow. If you go back and read your Einstein, you’d understand that all is “relative” in a space-time continuum. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a luncheon date with my great aunt, we’re working out an extensive family tree that dates back to the Mayflower. It’s going to be bound in leather with raised gold letters.
277. (In response to an adult adoptee) “According to our records, you are an adopted INFANT/CHILD, you must be at least 18 to request any legal documents.
278. Yes, that’s one of our file numbers, but it says “Private adoption, attorney (name unavailable) filed in small claims court for final installment of payment; judgment was never paid to his office. Records discarded after write-off for bad debt.” So you’re not only a bastard, it’s seems you’re a cheap one as well and so are your so-called adoptive parents. Glad to be of help.
279. We put your records under the code name that we assigned to your sinner-mother for her own good. The sister who knew all the codes died.
280. The records from the year that you were born were all destroyed. What year were you born? 281. I’m sorry, but I only have half a brain, so I can only give you half the information. Yes, you were born. 282. You want to know what??? (evil laughter heard over the speaker phone)
283. What is your name again? Oh, my! You mean I’m speaking to _The_ Truck-Stop Dumpster Baby of North Falls, Iowa? (Hey Joanne! I’ve got the Dumpster Baby on the phone!) What? Of course you knew that, silly! You’re _famous_!
284. Good News! We are now able to tell you the names of your relatives that existed just before the records were sealed by government statute. Of course, it’s up to you to trace your heritage from there.
Dave P. (Capn’ Koala)
285. “I was told “those records are your mothers. She was the patient not you.”
286. A major water main was broken in downtown chicago on Sunday. Among the buildings flooded were the storage areas for health and human services where birth Certificates have been stored since 1910. So now they have another excuse. The records will be freeze dried and should ok. Be Aware.
287. This is what NC Legislator, Julia Howard said to Jackie Parker, an adoptee in NC when she was asking Ms. Howard to support our open records bill, House Bill#1206.
“When you are adopted, you should understand the risks and learn to live with them”
288. I’ve heard this from more than one source, so it must be true (in reference to NY State — not sure what department):
I’m the only one in the office, and I’m three years behind!
Or what happened when both my mother and my brother walked side by side to the county courthouse:
Mom: I put this child up for adoption, and we recently found each other. I’d like the records opened up so that we can compare notes and make sure he really is my son.
The court: Sorry ma’am, but we can’t help you.
289. I’m sorry sir, but all records for the State of Florida were destroyed during Hurricane Andrew on Aug. 24th 1992. ( we all know, Andrew only hit hard in the greater Miami area)
290. You know that guy Xavier who created the Cabbage Patch Kids?
Well one day he called to inform us that he had run out of names for his dolls. Well, we felt sorry for him and decided to give him all of our old files of births here…… Yours was one of them……….
291. YOU want records?! What about MY needs!
292. K, here’s the thing…you are not_actually_alive… Because you do not really_exist_we are not_actually_ having this conversation. Bye-now!
293. All righty then…and you said your birthday was in 1970? Ah yes, here it is…Says something about your parents meeting in the summer of love…product of free love…blah,blah,blah…. Father was…good-heavens, Mr. Charles Manson! Now do you_really_want to go and open up THAT can of worms?
294: Hold please. (15 minutes/$20.00 later)…and you were holding for? Oh, It’s YOU…please hold. (another hour, another $50.00 to AT&T)…and you were holding for? Uhh…let me transfer you. (tick,tock) Thank you for holding…and you are? *Shit* Look you little ingrate don’t you know how busy we are here? I’ve got a mound of files for all the legitimate babies too ya know?!
295. (Mexican accent) Records? We ain’t got no stinking Records!
296. Okay, all I need from you is the actual umbilical cord severed on the day of your birth to process the material you’ve requested…
297. Says here you were just *found* in a patient’s lime jello one afternoon…
“Hello, county hospital? Do you have my birth records?”
298. We relinquished them.
299. “Love” means never having to say, “I’m Mommy.”
300. There will be no returns allowed without a receipt
301. We gave them to the agency — they told us they would be safe.
302. Which birth — your first birth, your second birth, or your third birth?
303. Mother wouldn’t let us keep them.
304. Swear to God! this is what a clerk at one hospital told me, “Ohhh, I can’t tell you that, THEN you’d KNOW who you were!!!”. In the VERY next breath she said, “Well……. listen…….. when you find your mother just have her write us and we’ll forward your birth record to her.”
Brian G.:305. “I can get in alot of trouble for this you know…..but I appreciate your honesty so I’ll tell only you……………I think I can “feel your pain”. When I adopted a puppy once……Blah……Blah .Blah…
306. (Clerk) “Oh what the hell…it’s my last day here! Meet me outside in 20 minutes and I’ll give you EVERYONE’S RECORDS!!
307. Those records were stored offsite in a building we never went to. We finally went there and a bunch of homeless people were using your records as bedding. Boy are they a mess! (True).
308. Rats. No, I mean REAL rats ate holes in all your identifying information.
309. So jigzaw puzzles are cool—how about I send you a real mind blower.
310. Okay, now you say a name and I’ll say either “hot” or “cold”. Come on, it will be fun!
311. Yes, I do have your request form right here, … but unfortunately due to the chance you may sue us for negligence we will not be releasing that information to anyone. Oops, I mean, no I have no record of you being born here. 312. We had only two babies born that day and we accidently-maybe switched them. But don’t worry you’ve had a good life no matter where you were.
313. Oh yeah, I’ve heard about you. Click—Buzz Buzz Buzz…
314. We’re sorry but the Hospital you are calling is not in service at this time. Please check the number and try your call again.
315. Laughing fish ate your records.
316. (I was actually told this!) “Mendocino Hospital? That’s the mental institution. You must be an illusion. We get don’t document the illusions. Take 2 valiums and see if you’re still there in the morning.”
317. “That hospital? Oh, that burned down last week. This is the new hospital with the same name at the same address, but we dont have the records from the hospital that was here last week.”
318. “I’m sorry, we don’t keep records by date. We do it by birth parent social security number. Give it to me and I will go find the file….”
319. “Oh yes! The birth records! Well, we destroy all copies of records as soon as a child is adopted, so they aren’t here anymore. If there were any copies left, we have no idea where they would be. Why don’t you ask your birthmother for them? I’m sure she has a copy.”
320. “What do you mean the Freedom of Information Act says you can have those files?? I’ve never heard of a Freedom of Information Act…”
321. ” Sorry, but those records are protected by the Doctor-Patient Privacy Act. The Doctor has to give permission to have them released. Unfortunately, he’s on the PGA tour right now, so your going to have to call back next year.”
What about historical quotations among the 365 reasons? (I’m re-reading my thesis, p. 112). It’s not quite the same as the other excuses but maybe you could have an historical excuses section.
322. “If your child’s natural mother made one error, then went on to live a blameless life, that’s a disclosable fact. If she drifted on from bad to worse, might it not be kinder and less likely to start childish speculation running wild by letting her “death” be implied?”
–– Advice to adoptive parents, 1956, from How to Adopt a Child by Ernest and Frances Cady
This is what North Carolina Legislator, Julia Howard said to Jackie Parker, an adoptee in NC when she was asking Ms. Howard to support our open records bill, House Bill# 1206:
323. “When you are adopted, you should understand the risks and learn to live with them.”
324. “Hello, City Hospital..”
“Yes, I’d like to get my medical records. I’m an adoptee.”
(clearing throat)”Se habla Espanol?”
325. “Well, now, if your birth mother had wanted you to know that she would have told you wouldn’t she?”
326. (This is what my grandma used to tell me when I said that I wanted something I couldn’t have)
“Just wish in one hand and pee in the other and see which one fills up first!”
327. “City Hospital…No, I’m sorry, you need to call the Dept of Children’s Services for that info.”
“Children’s Services…No, I’m sorry, you need to call the Probate Court Office for that.”
“Probate Court…No, I’m sorry, you need to call City Hospital for that.” etc., etc., etc.
328. “Where you came from? Oh that’s easy-your parents got you from under a rock-now go crawl back under it and leave us alone!” CLICK
329. “We gave all those records to Chef Emeril Lagasse on the Food Network. You know that “Essence” he uses…? Well, guess what?”
330. “We charge a fee to release that information-do you have a large sharp knife? Good now…hold it up to your arm and…”
331. ‘Sure I’ll give you that information…NOT!”
332. “Yes I can release that information…and monkeys might fly out my butt!”
333. “I beg you pardon-you want what?! Marge-look outside and see if you see any pigs flying around out there.”
334. “You’re absolutely right…It must be some sort of conspiracy. Why don’t you go call Oliver Stone”
335. “Here’s a quarter-call someone who cares!”
336. You were born in the same year as the JFK assasination, so the Warren comission subpoenaed your records, and the CIA hasn’t declassified them yet.